Ate Mas Tarde Brasil!

So.....Im not going back to the Motherland for christmas. Not only is my Brazilian citizenship in question, but now I also have an invalid American passport. Im beyond bummed. Instead of beach, booze, and butts, its going to me and Bird eating spaggetti O's and watching wheel of fortune while we feel sorry for ourselves. Seasons Greetings. I guess I have the Year Ender Bender to look forward to. If anybody wants to start a little early, get at me.
Otherwise, Im going to be sitting at home wearing sweatpants, dreaming about what could have been...........

GURY McD

Hello Gary.

I guess you should start by telling everyone where you are and how long you have been there.

I have been in Seoul, South Korea for a year and a half or so. Land o' the Mornin' Calm. None of these people are calm. They scream and spit at each other like a bunch of drunk camels.

This guy invented Korea and their alphabet.




Gives us a brief run down of what you do. Whats a day in the life of Gury
McD like?


Wake up at like 6am to the sound of a pre-recorded announcement blaring from a truck downstairs about fruit, fish, or vegetables. This goes on periodically until i really get up at like 1. Go to work on a bus. People push you out of the way when you try to get in and nobody ever says anything. Teach like 3 classes a day at the most. Kids never learn much. They talk about Pokemon and Shrek a lot. Weekends are fun. The bars don't close, ever. Some have tinted windows so you can't see that the sun is coming up. Saw a midget last Saturday!

The true King of All Beer.

Everytime I see pictures of korea there is always this weird green light over everything. You know what im talking about? Whats up with that?

That's the mighty Korean spirit watching over it's proud and diligent people. You do not understand because you are not Korean. Maybe it's that swampgas that appears whenever people see UFO's.

I heard this story about you getting hit in the head with a pipe. Care to elaborate?

Three Stooges tryouts. Asia i guess doesn't have regulations about how to make a safe work zone. Ex: i saw workers working the other day and all of their hard hats were hanging on the rack, one guy was welding without the mask.
Anyway, i walk by, somebody calls this guy walking ahead of me with a shoulders full of the cement rebar things and he swings around and nails me. This was like 6 weeks in. They never watch where they are going. Not even while driving.

Some art project. This guy made a heart out of matches.

Are there ninjas in korea?

No, but they do have these teenage "police officers" who walk around with 4 foot long black clubs that represent the old days when the mighty fatheaded koreans actually rocked swords like all true asians should.

My street panorama. Always some drunk old guy screaming. It's great. Somebody arsoned the flower stand over yonder one night.

I have a friend from korea and he's pretty short. Are you always the tallest guy in the room?

Koreans aren't short but a lot of their doors are. They just like to fit in with the rest of Asia. Confucianism. Confucius was a sucker.
Koreans did not get slapped with the midget stick like all other asians.

Koreans wear these masks to block the sand that blows over from the Gobi desert. actually all Asians have a fear of dust so they rock these. SARS isn't still a problem as far as i know.

I know most of the world hates us right now, whats the overall sentiment towards Americans there? Do you tell people you are Canadian, eh?

I couldn't give a shit. But i do get dogged out by taxi drivers who won't pick me up. They shut their lights off and turn em on when a Korean shows up sometimes. Plus, there are so many American soldiers and bases here that have been holding it down since the Korean war to make sure Kim Jong Il doesn't get overconfident and march on down. The North Korean army is way bigger and angrier than these faux French fags.



Duk bokki chicken or some shit. shit is hot like fiyahhh!!!




When was the last time you smoked weed?

Loooooonnnnnnnnnnnggggggg time ago.

Alright, I think this is the question everyone wants answered. Just how happy are the endings?

I got one massage here and the tiny woman put her foot in my back and pulled my
arms back (sorta like the cobra clutch). Then after that she jammed her thumb in some pressure point in the bottom of my foot. That shit was weird. I felt nice afterwards. It was like when that Callahan lady with the giant hogans in Police Academy wrestles that Cuban guy in the first part. Or the Japanese guy in the following part.

Common sight at the bars here. old drunk British guys with flowers in their butts.

Are you getting any down there? I hear there vaginas are sideways…

They also have 2 clits and most sex resembles a Tae Kwon Do match.

Whats your favorite, Cass, Hite, or OB?

I'ma have to rule out all three and go with the North Korean beer Taedonggang. Shit is The Koontz!!

Word on the street is that the bootleg game is out of control. You should bring me back a South Face jacket, and some Few Falance. What kind of crazy shit you see?

Bootleg clothes ain't shit here. All the same color and shabbily crafted. Some
of the sneakers are really cheap and passable but you can't really get anything
cool and different bootleg. Now the bootleg DVD's are another story. $10 will get you 3 just out in the theater DVD quality movies. Most aren't videocam's.

Myong Dong shopping district. Always crowded and awesome.

Do you eat Raman noodles every day? When was the last time you had a cheeseburger? Some of that food looks pretty gnarly.

Ramen sustains the younger Koreans. I don't eat it much. They have one appetizer here that is called Bondeggi. It's silk worm larvae. They sell that shit at food stands and it stinks like death. They eat dogs also.
Supposedly the dogmeat soup makes men very virile and boosts stamina. They also, believe that you can suffocate if you sleep in room with all the windows closed with a fan running. It's called "fan death".

Anytime a new store open in Korea they hire some models and put em in hooker boots and make them harass people into coming in. I love it.

Alright, this is pretty much all I got. Any last words? Tell everyone when you are coming home and what you would like to do once you get here.

Be home around New Year's at the latest, i believe. I'll be in touch. Keep the party jumpin' and have the PBR that you owe me ready. While you fags freeze in Philly for Xmas i will be in the Phillipines.
Now, put an egg in your shoe and beat it! KOONTZ MAN KOONTZ!!

TIME STAMP MIXES 2007: Vol. YAS

Every year around Thanksgiving I try to make a mix tape that summarizes where I am musically at for the year. I've only done it for three years, but I think it provides a succinct way to watch my tastes evolve. Rather than keep it to myself this year, I'm putting it up on here.

In the next few weeks all the regular contributors will be putting up their 2007 Time Stamp Mixes. These aren't supposed to be super hip, ultra obscure crate digger collections of songs that compensate for a tiny penis, though they can be. They're supposed to be a mix of the songs we've listened to for the year 2007.

At some point in the year almost all of the songs I've got on this mix were on a steady blast. Not every song for 2007 made it, I want to keep it close to the one hour range, because anything longer than that and I get bored.

So here's volume Yas, you've probably heard all these before, but now they're neatly in one package.

"You can now be the performer and the instrument."

1. Sex Record from Pleasures of Love
2. Throw Some D's Remix by Rich Boy
3. Fireworks by Animal Collective
4. A Lady of a Certain Age by The Divine Comedy
5. Bonafide Lovin' (Tough Guy) by Chromeo
6. D.A.N.C.E. by Justice
7. Big Spender by Freeway feat. Jay-Z
8. Lovin Her Was Easier (Than Anything I'll Never Do Again) by Kris Kristofferson
9. Reckoner by Radiohead
10. Keys to the City by The Go! Team
11. Stuntin' Like My Daddy by Baby and Weezey F. Baby
12. Make it Rain Remix by Fat Joe featuring Every Rapper on Earth
13. No Fit State by Hot Chip
14. Running the World by Jarvis Cocker
15. We Takin' Over by DJ Khaled with some other people

DOWNLOAD VOL. YAS